Fear Not...

I want your harsh words to not seem so real, for them to not be the cold hard truth of how you see me from all the pain I have caused you. If my actions were not so contradicting of what I am actually feeling would things be the same or different? I have never cared this much for someone yet I have done everything I can to ruin what I thought was special. I tell myself this is a good thing, we do not belong together, we cannot meet each others needs, but this only makes me want to scream. Is it possible to love someone but continue to hurt them repeatedly? What is my problem? If you could only feel the way my heart beats when you look at me; would you question how much I cared about you? If you could only feel how my heart flutters when you are around, would you question my love for you? Here is what I should say to you... I have this feeling that you think I am okay with the situation I have created; that I don't think what I have done is that bad, that I think you are being silly for being upset with me, but I don't. I know that what I did was hurtful and stupid. Every time I replay it in my mind I hate myself for doing that not only because I hurt you but because I don't want to be that girl...the type of girl that does things for attention. I do hate girls like that, and as hard as it is to admit it I am one of them. I do stupid things that I don't take the time to ever think about the effect until afterwards. I don't take the time to consider others and how what I do may affect them. Please know that I am sorry. I wish you knew how much it hurts me to watch you and our mutual friend interact at times, how you have decided to go to Spain with her, and how you decided to captain a team together, how it hurts me to wake up everyday knowing that you are talking to your ex-girlfriend, how your words can destroy me and break me down. And what makes me even more upset is the fact that if I brought up these events you would justify them and say that they are not nearly as bad as all the things I have done to you; that there is no comparison (just because you do not have feelings for our mutual friend doesn't make it any less painful to watch the two of you laughing and giggling together or planning out your amazing trip right in front of me. You and I were going to captain a team together remember? That was something we were going to do as a couple, but you did it with her and on top of it all you made it to the finals great way to go! What if I decided to start talking to all my ex-boyfriend and justify it with because how fair is it for me to be friends with you and not them. The way you go about expressing your feelings when you are hurt is not okay; you are a bully and become extremely degrading and it is not right. I am not saying you should be calm but intentionally hurting someone with your words out of anger is not alright. You lose all my respect when you talk that way). The worst is the fact that whenever I want to get upset with something you have done I feel like a hypocrite. When I get upset with things like this you can come back with tons of situations that I have put you through that are a million times worse. I know I have hurt you immensely, your list of offenses is tiny in comparison, but these things still hurt me. There it is, that is what I would say if I were not afraid of the consequences.