Who's to Blame

I find myself blaming everyone and everything except myself for all of the shortcomings that make me miserable. I blame stress and my schedule for the food I eat, but yet I am the one who buys the food and eats it in large quantities late at night. When I am feeling lonely, sad, depressed I blame it on my ex-boyfriend. When I am tired I blame it on the lack of sleep I got, however, I was the one who decided to put in a movie late at night because I thought it would help me sleep even though it never does. When I feel unsuccessful I blame it one the world and the pressure it places on my generation, but yet I become lazy at times when I try to strive for something big. What I am saying is it is easy to place the blame on other things and people in our desperate search for happiness, but to actually obtain the lifestyle we want we have to own up to our shortcomings and find ways to work through our own problems.

Tiny Strings

I wish you were here, I wish we were happy, I wish my actions hadn't shown you that I didn't care. Why didn't I treat you better...what is wrong with me. I'm sorry.

The Plan

I once told you my plan, my plan on how I would like my life to go, how long I wanted to date before marriage, what age I would like to be when I get married, how old I wanted to be when I had my first child, I told you all these things and your response was that I had a very unromantic way of looking at our relationship. Despite how unromantic my plan might have been, I wish you were still a part of it. I wish when I rolled over at night I could still reach my arm out and touch you, and have you pull me in close. Sometimes I long to hear your snoring in the night and miss waking up in the morning to laugh about the level of intensity your snores got to. I miss making you laugh so hard that you would through your head backwards and grab onto your stomach as you let out a chuckle. I am sad that I will never again be able to catch your glance from across the room, we will never have that special connection again. My plan will never be the same.

Write it Down

Write it down, who cares who is reading it, write as if no one but yourself will ever read it... the one thing I learned and remembered from English 101. Some times I find myself getting angry over things that really in the end do not matter. I get angry at the world because I do not fit in, I look different, my comments in a social setting are strange and out of place, I get nervous and uncomfortable when no one is speaking in a group, and all these things make me angry. I want so badly to fit in a times that I say or do things that later I regret and say to myself I hope you never do that again, but time and time I find myself right back in the same spot. I get angry when I think about all the mistakes I have made, and get even more upset when I continue to make the mistakes that I vowed to never make again. I see people falling into the trends of society and not questioning whether it is right or wrong, but who am I to judge I myself have fallen into situations where I shrugged off questioning the intentions of my actions because deep down inside I know it was wrong but cannot admit it. I want to start questioning my actions, I want to make the right decisions even though at times they seem so hard and unsatisfactory. I want to try...

Dreams

Sometimes I feel as if you were a dream; I look at pictures of us and find myself in a daze thinking did that really happen. We went from being happy to nothing, nothing anymore. I have all these memories of us together that float around in my mind; I am afraid one day I will wake up and they will be gone, just as you were here one day and gone the next.