Riddles

In the back of my mind I always wondered if someday you would stumble across this page and read the words meant for you: Approve...disapprove...analyze...ponder...for I now know what you see. Lost...found...scared...fear...for you now know that this is all I can be. Tree...books...lighting...tea...all great memories for me. Trust...mistrust...guilt...anguish...all slate journeys for thee. Second...minute...hour...day...please grant me all that I say.

Fear Not...

I want your harsh words to not seem so real, for them to not be the cold hard truth of how you see me from all the pain I have caused you. If my actions were not so contradicting of what I am actually feeling would things be the same or different? I have never cared this much for someone yet I have done everything I can to ruin what I thought was special. I tell myself this is a good thing, we do not belong together, we cannot meet each others needs, but this only makes me want to scream. Is it possible to love someone but continue to hurt them repeatedly? What is my problem? If you could only feel the way my heart beats when you look at me; would you question how much I cared about you? If you could only feel how my heart flutters when you are around, would you question my love for you? Here is what I should say to you... I have this feeling that you think I am okay with the situation I have created; that I don't think what I have done is that bad, that I think you are being silly for being upset with me, but I don't. I know that what I did was hurtful and stupid. Every time I replay it in my mind I hate myself for doing that not only because I hurt you but because I don't want to be that girl...the type of girl that does things for attention. I do hate girls like that, and as hard as it is to admit it I am one of them. I do stupid things that I don't take the time to ever think about the effect until afterwards. I don't take the time to consider others and how what I do may affect them. Please know that I am sorry. I wish you knew how much it hurts me to watch you and our mutual friend interact at times, how you have decided to go to Spain with her, and how you decided to captain a team together, how it hurts me to wake up everyday knowing that you are talking to your ex-girlfriend, how your words can destroy me and break me down. And what makes me even more upset is the fact that if I brought up these events you would justify them and say that they are not nearly as bad as all the things I have done to you; that there is no comparison (just because you do not have feelings for our mutual friend doesn't make it any less painful to watch the two of you laughing and giggling together or planning out your amazing trip right in front of me. You and I were going to captain a team together remember? That was something we were going to do as a couple, but you did it with her and on top of it all you made it to the finals great way to go! What if I decided to start talking to all my ex-boyfriend and justify it with because how fair is it for me to be friends with you and not them. The way you go about expressing your feelings when you are hurt is not okay; you are a bully and become extremely degrading and it is not right. I am not saying you should be calm but intentionally hurting someone with your words out of anger is not alright. You lose all my respect when you talk that way). The worst is the fact that whenever I want to get upset with something you have done I feel like a hypocrite. When I get upset with things like this you can come back with tons of situations that I have put you through that are a million times worse. I know I have hurt you immensely, your list of offenses is tiny in comparison, but these things still hurt me. There it is, that is what I would say if I were not afraid of the consequences.

Who's to Blame

I find myself blaming everyone and everything except myself for all of the shortcomings that make me miserable. I blame stress and my schedule for the food I eat, but yet I am the one who buys the food and eats it in large quantities late at night. When I am feeling lonely, sad, depressed I blame it on my ex-boyfriend. When I am tired I blame it on the lack of sleep I got, however, I was the one who decided to put in a movie late at night because I thought it would help me sleep even though it never does. When I feel unsuccessful I blame it one the world and the pressure it places on my generation, but yet I become lazy at times when I try to strive for something big. What I am saying is it is easy to place the blame on other things and people in our desperate search for happiness, but to actually obtain the lifestyle we want we have to own up to our shortcomings and find ways to work through our own problems.

Tiny Strings

I wish you were here, I wish we were happy, I wish my actions hadn't shown you that I didn't care. Why didn't I treat you better...what is wrong with me. I'm sorry.

The Plan

I once told you my plan, my plan on how I would like my life to go, how long I wanted to date before marriage, what age I would like to be when I get married, how old I wanted to be when I had my first child, I told you all these things and your response was that I had a very unromantic way of looking at our relationship. Despite how unromantic my plan might have been, I wish you were still a part of it. I wish when I rolled over at night I could still reach my arm out and touch you, and have you pull me in close. Sometimes I long to hear your snoring in the night and miss waking up in the morning to laugh about the level of intensity your snores got to. I miss making you laugh so hard that you would through your head backwards and grab onto your stomach as you let out a chuckle. I am sad that I will never again be able to catch your glance from across the room, we will never have that special connection again. My plan will never be the same.

Write it Down

Write it down, who cares who is reading it, write as if no one but yourself will ever read it... the one thing I learned and remembered from English 101. Some times I find myself getting angry over things that really in the end do not matter. I get angry at the world because I do not fit in, I look different, my comments in a social setting are strange and out of place, I get nervous and uncomfortable when no one is speaking in a group, and all these things make me angry. I want so badly to fit in a times that I say or do things that later I regret and say to myself I hope you never do that again, but time and time I find myself right back in the same spot. I get angry when I think about all the mistakes I have made, and get even more upset when I continue to make the mistakes that I vowed to never make again. I see people falling into the trends of society and not questioning whether it is right or wrong, but who am I to judge I myself have fallen into situations where I shrugged off questioning the intentions of my actions because deep down inside I know it was wrong but cannot admit it. I want to start questioning my actions, I want to make the right decisions even though at times they seem so hard and unsatisfactory. I want to try...

Dreams

Sometimes I feel as if you were a dream; I look at pictures of us and find myself in a daze thinking did that really happen. We went from being happy to nothing, nothing anymore. I have all these memories of us together that float around in my mind; I am afraid one day I will wake up and they will be gone, just as you were here one day and gone the next.